2012…piss

Recently I was asked the basic question of “In a relationship, how much personal space do you need?” And my roommate, Ashley, quickly answered for me “5-10 minutes per week”.

This brought up lots of laughter and more jokes directed towards me because, the honest reality is….its funny…cause its true.

Now, of course I am going to steer clear of describing to any male suitors my LACK of a need for personal space because I don’t need them running miles from me… but I do know that I have a strong need and love for spending time with others.

When I look back on my life’s timeline….I don’t just see moments and experiences, but I see the people around me.

When I think about my early childhood, what stands out is living a ½ block from my Grandma.

Grade school brings up faces of the friends I explored small town America on my bike with.

A quick thought of middle school brings Sam and Tara into my mind listening to Jars of Clay….

This trend continues as I think of moments in my life and what stands out aren’t the things I’ve done or the places I’ve been…but the people who surrounded me. The friends that I shared countless hours of joy with and the friends that stood next to me when all I had were tears.

March 26^th, 2009 marks a day in my life that created a whole new trajectory that I never thought I would ever be on. I never expected to live my life at 25 years old without a father on this earth.

I think back on the last 2 ½ years and I don’t think about all the shitty-ness that eroded into who I was. But I think about the people who helped me stand when I couldn’t anymore. The people who provided me with normalcy, joy, and strength when I didn’t have any.

I specifically think of one person who helped create a new normal with me. A person who never left my side and put up with me when I couldn’t even put up with myself. A person who redefined what was important to her, so that she could support her friend. And finally, a person who became a constant beauty to a family who was searching for God to redeem this tragedy.

I could not imagine going through the last 2 ½ years without my roommate and best friend standing by me throughout.

Jan 6^th, 2012 marks a day in my friend’s life that I wish she never had to experience.

We now have 2 dates in our friendship that describes a loss that will never be replaced.

And now we are at a crossroads where I am the one attempting to be the friend that can stand when the other one can’t.

I look at the last two weeks, and I get angry at the pain in our lives. I absolutely hate that my friend that I love so dearly is going through so much pain that no one should have to bear.  I do not believe that God causes tragedy, but I have to declare that God is not thwarted by it.

I have tangibly seen something beautiful come out of pain and I am trying to believe that even the very thing that scars me so deep can be turned around, not of my own doing, and strengthen someone else.  

So many times I let my circumstance cloud what I saw and could only see myself and my pain. But thank God, I was divinely living with a girl who could help me find hope when I started losing it. I now pray I can be the friend that she needs.

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I resolve to fail

Happy 2012!

I love new starts and I’m a big fan of new beginning so I’m pretty excited about this new year.

2011 feels a little like a blur to me. I learned a lot. There were many triumphs and many tears.

I coined the year awhile back ‘the year of desire’ and found out much more than I expected in what my desires look like and how I am searching to have them fulfilled.

And now it’s a new year. I sat down this morning to pen what I am hoping for in 2012, where my desires now are and what I hope to accomplish. And I found out I do have one big overall resolution.

My resolution for 2012 is this: I want to fail more.

As I was reflecting on 2011, I was pleased with many things. My career is heading into a new exciting direction. My family’s foundation is growing and continues to leaves us speechless. I’ve encountered friendship in big ways. I’ve gained a sister. It’s been a beautiful year.

Big things have happened and are percolating right now.

But I also reflected on things I didn’t want to think about. I saw the ugliness of my heart. The areas where I fell that I didn’t want to admit. I was faced with the crushing reality that God still loves even me and my ugliness. And even with this ugliness, beauty was still created this year. Transformation began. Not by my own efforts, but by his empowering presence and love.

This realization was a roast in a ½.

So, what are the hopes for 2012.

I want to see the world with wise eyes.

Step beyond surface problems.

I want to follow through in what I know is right.

I want to do what I’m called to do with all my heart.

I want to affect change in people.

I want to feel brokenness and grow though it.

I want my family to be renewed.

I want to translate love to every person I meet.

And I am going to FAIL miserably at this. In my own strength this is not possible. And there are SO many times when I forget that reality and step out my own. I’m going to screw up these goals left and right.

But I’m not going to surrender to the doubts that I at least can’t try.

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