Every Sunday I will attempt to share an excerpt from my work in progress which will hopefully be a book someday…”You Can Hope”.
September 2009
I have been on a totally awesome emotional roller coaster this week. And by super awesome, I mean the complete opposite. Word Play. One minute I am WEEPING watching the NIKE courage ad on TV and the next I am dry-eyed at a funeral .
Feelings are sneaky. They remind me a lot of my childhood dog Jamie. Basset hounds are my signature breed. I cannot wait for the day that I have my first dog as an adult and it will be a beautiful, sweet, sappy Basset Hound.
My 1st childhood basset was sort of an anomaly. She was not a sleepy, sweet, goofy, droopy basset hound. She was CRAZY.
Surprise, Surprise I have always had a bleeding heart. Both of the dogs that I picked out as a child were runts and the dogs no one else wanted. My family was the 4th owner of crazy basset Jamie. She had many fears in her little brain of hers. Typical fears like thunderstorms, vacuum cleaners, being alone…and then the atypical fears like screen windows or doors and cars driving down the street.
As the 4th owners we were given many tips on how to love Jamie well…including don’t ever leave her alone and whenever any weather change is approaching drug her with doggy xanax.
Little Jamie was always in the moment. When she felt something, she felt it and made sure everyone around her knew. She was demanding, insisting that whoever was in her world at that moment would cater to the current need she had. Ignoring her would not help because she would just make her needs louder, and louder, and louder—-insert hound dog howl.
Now, why do sneak attack feelings remind me of Jamie? Because currently feelings are running my life. I never have a clue of the feelings that consume my being. I can’t even go to the fricken grocery store without some sort of trigger that will remind me of what is different in my life.
I’ve always been a cheap cry. Even as a child, I saw brokenness in the world and I would quickly be in tears. I will cry with my friends when they are hurting. But, me, crying about my pain. My hurt. Sharing MY vulnerabilities…that just doesn’t happen.
Until your sneak attacked with emotions.
Its not all bad emotions that are sneak attacking me. I’m in a new place (thank God) where joy is overruling sadness. But its sneaky because joy and sadness have this trait lately of happening simultaneously. I can’t not smile when I think of my dad. He brings me such joy just remembering him and recalling some of my favorite memories. But then those same feelings are full of pain and sadness because he’s gone. I won’t make more memories- but the memories I have are so sweet. It’s the chocolate syrup and milk complex. Both in the same glass, getting shook up, so even my joyful moments have a tinge of sadness.
Here’s my point. Jamie felt what she needed to feel. If she was sad, she found someone to look at with her sad eyes. If she was nervous she paced til someone gave her xanax. If she was lonely, she jumped out screen doors and would get outside—-even if it meant going on the roof of our 3 story home. Her family knew what she was feeling. She didn’t hide it.
I could take a cue from Jamie. I could share my story with others. I could reach out for support when I need it. I can cry in front of my friends.
I can make what I’m feeling louder, instead of being ashamed of what I’m feeling inside of me. I can tell someone I can’t be social today and be ok with that. And it will still be me. Just figuring out who this me is after a great loss.
I’ll be being honest with where I am at right now. In this month, at this hour.
But, If I start jumping through screen doors someone call the doctor.
You Can Hope... 