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Archive for June, 2011

June 19th, 2011

Dear Dad,

Its Fathers Day. The day where I can take a little extra time out of my day to find a gift for you that is meaningful. A day where I can scourer the stores for a card that has someone fishing on it, or BONUS , find a card with a lure! And then write on that card, all the ways I’m thankful that you’re my dad. All the reasons that you make my life better.

Your not here to except my card and my cool gift I’m convinced you’ll love. Your not here to welcome me home after my 5 hour commute. Your not here to give me a hug and tell me, “Thanks kia, but, why did you buy this? I have fifteen of these travel coffee mugs….That you’ve given me!”

Your not here for me to call and walk me through how to build my grill. Your not here to listen to my stories. To laugh at me when I’m being ridiculous, and to encourage me when I’m feeling lost.

Your not here to balance out Mom’s worries. To make her feel heard and loved.

Your not here to see your son marry his bride next week.

DAD, some days,  I get so mad at you for not being here. It’s not right! The Prendergasts are not a trio. We need you to lead us. We need you to make us feel safe.

And then I see your son, beginning his family. Facing hardships and pressing on just like you would want him too. Just like the man that you have raised would.

And I see your wife. Facing anxiety, and then looking in your bible for insight. Quoting things you’ve said to her that will never leave, “Linda, this is no big deal, what if we were being persecuted for our faith?”

I know I will never be fully healed, Dad. I will never not miss you. I will never not want you here. I will never not want you to answer the phone when good things happen at work. I will never not want you to meet my kids. I will never not  want you to tell my husband, you can marry my daughter.

But, without brokenness the concept for healing would never exist. Without my pain, would I even know what it feels to love the way I do.

To love is to lose. Living is changing. We have to lose things to gain things. Past, present, future, we can’t go forward into the future, without losing some of the past. Its constant. Can I gain from each loss?

I lost high school, and gained college. I left my family, wonderful people I had known for years, my safety bubble, my  home, and gained amazing friends, new life experiences, knowledge that has taken me far in this life.

I lost college, and I gained Chicago. I lost certainty of classes, doing life in a house with best friends,  And I gained  a career, living the big city life, and loving people who know me inside and out.

I lost you, Dad. And I hurt so much because of it. But I have gained.

I have gained a view of life as a set up for eternity. I have gained a compassion for brokenness. I have gained a view of how one person who lived life with such strong priorities of loving Jesus, and loving others, can continue to affect the world through multiple people because of his loss.

I miss you dad. Every day. Thank you for showing me how wide, how deep, and how great the Lords love is for me.

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My wonderful Roommate Ashley Ganski is finally ‘guest posting’ on You Can Hope! I’m so pumped about all her wisdom.

If anyone else wants to get on the list to guest post please tell me! So far its a pretty exclusive list…I have two people who have agreed to maybe…and I’m holding them to that maybe!

The most commonly used words in our apartment are as follows: busy, Jesus, overbooked, love, overwhelmed, to do list, and friends… its 10 PM and on my “night off” I just sat down on the balcony to pen my guest blog.
 I use the term “night off” loosely because after arriving back at the apartment at 6:15pm- I took on the tasks of switching the closet from winter/spring to summer, cleaning my room, and grilling dinner for me and Michaja.  A night off in my eyes and many of the people around me is a night where you aren’t in/leading small group, volunteering your time, attending a work event, taking the newest fitness classes or fostering your community through social events.
It is not uncommon for my mom to open our conversations with something like “I think you need to slow down” or “Can’t you take one thing off your plate”. Those statements are quickly replied to with- “No I love doing that” or “This is what makes me happy, busy but happy”.
This weekend a group of friends and I took a trip to southern Illinois to visit my friend Allison’s family ranch. It wasn’t until I caught myself counting down the minutes to the possibility of turning the blackberry off, that I realized I don’t know how to slow down when I am within city limits.
I realized that even when I plan a day of relaxation, I end up watching a TV show while mentally making a list of all thing things I am going to do as soon as the show ends. In between Tina Fey’s witty dialogue on 30 Rock, my internal dialogue sounds a bit like this,
“You should be emptying the dishwasher, could you maybe do that when there is a commercial break, you have a DVR you could just pause it and get that done, but you only have tonight to relax, just sit…. oh wait I need to do laundry, do i have socks for tomorrow? Look at all that mail, I could watch and sort the mail. Ooo i am pretty sure the fridge need to be cleaned out, I think i have old spinach in there… oh Tina Fey, you are just so funny self-deprecating humor is the best… shoot I need to grocery shop, no laundry trumps groceries, I am running out of jeans…WAIT this is your relaxing time, you have 2 hours this week to just sit, you should enjoy this, stop making lists… Oh the show is over”

 I am emptying the dishwasher…

It took stepping out of the city and away from my to do lists to slow down and STEP AWAY FROM THE IPHONE. It took getting thrown off a horse  (actual: falling off a horse on my own) causing slight pain to stop go go going and sit down on a Tuesday night and write a blog. I am not going to get into a rant about how to manage time or what we should be filling our time with, but I am going to challenge you to slow down at some point this week.  (insert clichéd Ferris Buller’s Day off quote here).
Here is a song to get you in the right mind frame (please ignore some of the lyrics)…

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Sneak Peek Sunday

Every Sunday I will attempt to share an excerpt from my work in progress…”You Can Hope”.

January 2010     

 

I’m a dreams kind of girl.

I have them often, and typically can play them back through words fairly easily. Normally this is at the expense of showcasing how weird my brain really is, often my dreams could easily be great material for Tim Burtons next movie.

Last Saturday I had a dream. It was not an epic tale circa Alice in Wonderland. It was a ROAST.

I work up sobbing. Pillow soaked. Shaking from emotion.

Clearly I had just been crying in my dream but I couldn’t retell what I had just experienced. All I could focus on was calming myself down.

What had just happened in my sub-conscious to wreck me with such emotion. What in the world had just caused me so much pain?

 I walked into my kitchen to get a glass of water and then the scene began coming back…

I was at my parent’s house where I was with a bunch of my friends from high school. Friends I loved deeply, but hadn’t seen in years. I vividly could see so much color combined with laughter. But I knew it was time to leave, I had other places to go.

As I was leaving a buddy of mine told me to hold on because he had to show me something.  I was quickly annoyed and said “No, sorry, I’ll have to see it later, I’m running late.”

I continued to walk away and then I hear a very familiar voice saying “Kia, come back.”

I don’t turn around. I don’t even try to get a glimpse of his face. The face I haven’t seen for a year. I don’t stop and give him a hug. Tell him “I love you.”

I just say “I’ve got to go Dad, I’ll see you later.”

I hear his booming voice, stronger and now more powerful, “Kia, come back.”

 I just walk out the door. Without a care in the world.

What did he want to tell me? Why didn’t I listen!?! I can still hear his voice as clear as if he was standing right behind me, “Kia, come back.”

I lose gravity once again. I can’t stand because my emotions have complete control.

I’m not sure what happened in my dream to cause me to wake up crying, but I do know I have some changes I need to make.

How much of this life am I missing because I am focused on my plan, my own agenda? How many relationships am I missing out on? How many moments are there in a day where I miss opportunities to appreciate people, make memories that I’ll never forget, tell someone how much they mean to me, be in awe of the wonder that God creates?

Instead I just keep running. Onto my next big project.  My next new goal.

I can’t walk backwards. And its really not my style to slow down.  But, I need to evaluate this run. How can I stop missing these moments that could shape my life for good?  

How can I step away from what I want, and see how I can be used?  

 

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I can’t sleep.

Chicago is under a hot spell…and my room feels like it  is next to the equator. Worst move ever to not turn on my AC when I went to bed. Problem solved but now I’m awake and its 2am.  Yikes.

So….where does my head go at 2am….where else but the love train.

I’ve been thinking about love and relationships alot lately. The month of June holds some significant ties to love in my life. Not necessarily my love life… But the fact that a few very important people in my life are celebrating the journey of marriage this month.

Last weekend, Janae & Bryan had a Chicago reception for their wedding, which actually happened back in Colorado a few months ago.

J's pumped about her love

In two weeks Greg and Sarah’s wedding will be here! I’m so excited about this fact. I feel like I’ve been talking about this wedding for months…well I guess I have.

Greg & Sarah pumped about love

And, of course the saga continues around me and dating…we’ll just leave it at that for now, and the wondering minds can ask me in person about my dating status…I mean come on…who wouldn’t want to date this face? 

 

So, I’ve been thinking, and have had a handful of conversations with close friends and fam around relationships. Is there actually a fairy tale out there waiting for me? A perfect man that is going to be as wonderful as my imaginary boyfriend has been the last 3 years….Will I just ‘know’ or will it take some detective work??

Unfortunatly…I have a few things working against me in this quest to figure everything out around relationships.

1) I’ve been single for a LONG time….practice has not really happened around how to be in a relationship.

2) I’m not what you would call someone who’s dependent on others. I fall quite hard on the other side of Independent.

3) My dad really screwed my head up. As women we take alot of what male attention means in our life…by our dads…and what that relationship looks(ed) like. I hurt so much for girls who have not had a great relationship with their fathers. Or when one of the kids that I work with has a dad that is not being the father he needs to be. It absolutely breaks my heart.

I am pretty blessed when I think about the Dad I had. Clearly, I mean I’m writing frickin book about how much he means to me.

But…when I think back to what the interactions looked like with my dad, what male attention looked like as I grew up….I think about all the times my dad made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the entire world. There was no one smarter, no one more awesome, then me in his eyes. He expressed that every way he could, but especially through words. And now, here I am 27. Looking for a man to do the exact same thing. Uh oh, am I screwed?!?!?

Is it a dealbreaker to find a guy who’s love language is not through words? Who won’t make me feel like I’m as awesome as my dad thinks I am?  

I’m really not sure. But I do know a few solid dealbreakers.

1) Someone who doesn’t love Jesus. DEALBREAKER.

2) Someone who thinks he has single handedly solved all the mysteries of our faith. DEALBREAKER.

3) Someone who thinks he looks awesome in Ed Hardy. DEALBREAKER.

4) Someone who wears tighter jeans then me. DEALBREAKER.

5) Someone who enjoys looking at bats at the zoo…or in real life. DEALBREAKER.

6)  Someone who I know is an undiagnosed adult with aspergers. DEALBREAKER.

7) Someone who does not love pure Michigan. DEALBREAKER.

8) Someone who doesn’t think my jokes are funny. DEALBREAKER.

9) Someone who you could easily see on any TLC show (Example, extreme couponing). DEALBREAKER.

10) A cat man. DEALBREAKER.

 

Ok…so, clearly I have alot on my mind. I need input on what your dealbreakers are….and wisdom from anyone who is in love…IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR ME!!!

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