Archive for April, 2012


Why does a date hold so much power? How can just two numbers strewn together bring me to a place of such pain and sorrow?

I’m a science girl. When I was in 4th grade I sat on Santa’s lap and told him I wanted a fetal pig to dissect for Christmas. Thank God Santa takes good notes and that’s exactly what the favorite Christmas present of 93’ was.

My dad and I looked at every dimension of that pig. I knew inside and out where each body part was located and what muscles it connected to. I would wake up early in the morning during the week so Dad and I could look at the pig a little bit before he went to work. Flash forward ten years and it wasn’t surprising that the major I declared was science, with a minor in psychology. Clearly I needed to understand how my weird brain worked that I was dissecting animals at a young age.

I’ve always had such strong desires to know the science behind the ‘why’.  It’s fascinating for me to think about why people act the way they do in certain situations.

So, now what is the science behind this ‘one date’ garbage? Why would one date, one day that happened to mark something significant three years ago, bring me to a place I haven’t been to in months?

Why does this date make all the feelings I never let myself feel, come front and center? Why do I preemptively call off work on the 26th knowing that I will not be able to focus and think well? Why do I question the timing of events on this one day in time? Why is that day an OK day for me to be sad?

I have given myself the liberty on the 26th of March to ask why my dad will not be with me in my next set of years on this earth. And the funny thing is, asking these questions and giving myself this liberty doesn’t make me more sad. It almost gives me a strange peace. I can ask these questions to God and I almost feel as if God is looking down on me, giving me this special look saying ‘Michaja, you silly girl. You still just don’t understand. But it will be OK. I’m here.’

So, I don’t know the answer to my initial questions. I don’t know why today feels so heavy on my heart. I know I am doing the only thing I know to do and that’s to acknowledge that I miss my Dad. The way I’m doing that today is worlds apart then how my Mom and brother are saying the same thing. But we do it everyday…today just feels different.

I am learning there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Yes I may give myself a different liberty on March 26th, but I could just as easily take a day off for emotions on Aug 12th and go into this same place of feelings.  Grief is such an undefined thing. It’s an individual experience to each person that is thrown into it. March 26st will come and go and I will still grieve my dad’s passing in my own way.

All I know is after three years I’m clinging onto HOPE more than I have in my entire life. And I’m thankful for that.


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