March 26th, 2009 is a day that makes me feel to the core of who I am. Dramatic spoiler alert: I feel like April 1st-March 25th are 359 days in the year where I’m balancing my feelings between not turning into a shell of a person and also not being incapacitated by emotions. And then this week comes along.
Now that paragraph is entirely too dramatic. There are times that occur very frequently that I have feelings of sadness that my dad is not here. There are memories that surface, moments that he would enjoy, and places he belongs. But there is some truth to the above statement I made.
I think its ok to take a moment, sit back for a minute, and realize that there are somethings that are just not right in this world. It’s not right that 300,000 children will be trafficked into sex trade. It’s not right that people are starving within one block from where I’m sitting right now. It’s not right that abuse happens to people I know. It’s not right that my Dad can’t brainstorm my business proposal with me. It’s not right that my niece won’t meet her grandpa.
Somethings in this world just aren’t right.
I’m still and always will be a mess of a human being. I will never understand the workings of this world, the workings of my life. But I’m slowly inching towards a place of not needing too. Well…as much.
The 25th year of my life was a quest for understanding. I read through easily 75-100 books all dealing with the concept of death and grief just to KNOW. I wanted and felt like I needed to know everything. It seemed to be the only way that I could survive would be through knowledge.
Anyone who spent a lot of time with me during that year knows that this knowledge did not bring me peace.
4 years later, I still appreciate knowledge. I would still call myself a girl on a quest for understanding. I am passionate about bringing glory through this tragedy, whatever that looks like.
But, maybe, just maybe, I don’t need to understand everything. One of the things I love about the gospels is that Jesus doesn’t give his disciples clear-cut plans. He instead speaks in riddles and hopes people catch on. He thrives in the mystery.
I think we are called to stand against the things that aren’t right. We are called to love passionately, to serve endlessly, and to stand in the gap for the ones who aren’t able to stand. We are called to not be ok with the state of our world. But we don’t always need to know why. Now let me change this to first person- for good writing and to convince myself- and say I can and hope to be a person who trusts that mystery.
I hope that I will be a girl, who, when something happens in this world that’s not right will stand up against it. But hopefully, I will also be the girl who will say “I don’t know, but I can pray. I don’t know. But I can love. I don’t know. But I can bring pie. “
You Can Hope... 